When me and Kyle first started dating, I was freaking out about meeting Ellison and Haygen and potentially being a stepmom to them one day. I immediately joined a “stepmom” group on Facebook to read about what to do and what not to do and stuff like that (I’m a major researcher).
Then I met Ellison and Haygen and they both instantly liked me (let’s face it, I’m basically a child) so I never actually used the stepmom group. Then I “became” their mom, so I definitely had no use for it and eventually, I just forgot about it.
A few months back, I was removing myself from a bunch of Facebook groups I was in and I decided to keep the stepmom group and be more active. I figured I could help other stepmoms and answer questions/give advice.
I can now say I fully understand why stepmoms are referred to as “evil stepmoms”.
I soon realized this was not a stepmom support group. It was a CULT.
These women are C R A Z Y and literally the most immature human beings I’ve ever seen. Which is sad considering most of these ladies are upper 20’s-mid 40’s!
So this is what I have to say to all those future stepmoms so y’all don’t turn into the “evil stepmom”:
1. If “baby mama” (the biological mother) is “high conflict” (aka drama), DO NOT ANTAGONIZE HER. You do not need to argue with her. Your husband/boyfriend does not need to argue with her. You do not need to post about her on social media- this includes sharing petty memes directed towards her.
The ONLY reason y’all should be talking is when planning on when/where you will be picking up/dropping off the kid(s) and obviously emergencies. The minute the conversation shifts in ANY other direction, stop replying. Doesn’t matter if it’s a harmless conversation. DO. NOT. REPLY. Literally as simple as that.
The best advice I have is to kill her with kindness. Think of it this way- if she was hanging out with her best friend and complaining about you, the things you do, the things you say, etc.; you want her to look stupid when talking about you. AKA don’t give her ammo.
Another piece of advice I have is stay out of the communication as much as you can. Let your husband/boyfriend do the communicating. Often, I see stepmoms say they do the communicating because “they don’t trust bio mom”. Sorry sweetheart, you’re not fooling anyone. The real issue is you don’t trust your husband/boyfriend and if that’s the case, you need to reevaluate your relationship. You also don’t need to be at every pick up and drop off.
Basically, if the bio mom gets pissy over every little thing, be the bigger person and avoid pissing her off when you can. And no, this doesn’t mean she “wins” (another excuse stepmoms in this group use to justify their crappiness). Because guess what? Parenting isn’t a game.
I know this is easier said than done, but it can be done. I did it and I promise the drama from my kid’s bio mom could easily make the top 10 for craziest bio moms in the world.
*Fun fact: I never went with my husband, Kyle, to pick ups/drops offs. In fact, I’ve only been around bio mom twice and both times were less than 30 seconds. The only communication I’ve had with her was 1 text message asking her to please leave me alone, then I got a protective order against her. But I’ll save that story for another time.
2. Don’t ever say stuff like “I paid for that” when talking about her getting her nails done, going on a vacation, buying a new purse. I promise the child support doesn’t cover even half the expenses of the child. There are different situations with this, trust me, I know (y’all don’t even want to know how much Kyle was paying in child support for 2 kids) but regardless, a comment like that is petty, doesn’t change anything, and at the end of the day- WHO. FREAKING. CARES.
One stepmom in the group stated that “she paid for the cruise bio mom is currently on”. Here’s the best part: her husband pays $116 a month in child support.
If anyone knows the secret to supporting 1 kid and having money left over for a cruise with $116, let me know because I’m clearly doing something wrong.
Another stepmom said “she paid for bio mom to get her hair done”. And another stepmom apparently “paid for bio moms engagement ring”. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough right now.
If you pay child support, you/your husband did not pay for bio moms things. You/your husband are paying to take care of the child. So please, don’t ever say you paid for anything of bio moms just because you pay child support.
3. Don’t always assume “baby mama” wants to get back together with your husband/boyfriend. Yes, a lot of times this is the case. But a lot of times, it’s NOT the case at all. YOU aren’t inside HER head. So, you don’t know where her heart is at regardless of her actions. So, quit analyzing how she dresses during pickup/drop offs.
There was a stepmom in the group that said her, and her husband were dropping off her stepson (husband’s son) off at bio moms house. The bio mom answered the door in her bikini BUT was wrapped in a towel. Here’s the kicker- it was her 2-year old’s birthday party which was a pool party. Do y’all know what people do at pool parties? THEY………….. SWIM…………… in BIKINIS?!?!?!?!? (Gasp! The horror). At least she had the decency to cover up with a towel? So, what is the issue again??? Was bio mom supposed to get out of the pool and fully dress herself for the 2 second switch off? Girl bye.
Another stepmom criticized the bio mom in her life for wearing makeup during pickup/drop off. Her reasoning was bio mom never wears makeup and only wears makeup when they meet. Um… how does she know when bio mom wears makeup? Hint- she doesn’t. Coming from someone that genuinely never wears make up, I do slap a little on if I’m going to pick up/drop off but it has nothing to do with the people I am meeting, it has to do with just going out in public in general.
4. If your stepchild(ren) talks about their mom a lot, WHO CARES. Don’t be ugly about it! In fact, embrace it. Join in on the conversation, ask questions, compliment their bio mom. If there is drama between you and bio mom, the child does not need to be aware.
One lady said her stepdaughter would see a red car and then say, “my mom drives a red car!” or they would drive by a park and she would say “my mom and I went there last week”! This step mom told the group how annoying it was, and she told her step daughter to stop talking about her mom.
Listen, stepmoms have every reason to be annoyed and not want to hear about bio mom, those feelings are completely valid but suck it up and deal with it. If you show any kind of ugliness towards bio mom around your step kids, they will start to resent you.
*Fun fact: When Haygen and Ellison would visit their bio mom, they would tell me all about their visit. I let them talk and I joined in on the conversation with simple phrases such as “that’s so cool!”/”that sounds so fun”! I was never the bad guy in Haygen and Ellison’s eyes because I never talked badly about their bio mom to them or around them. They were clueless that I hated her (yes, hate). But on the other side of things, bio mom spent most of her time talking trash about me which was the start of their resentment towards her.
5. Do not turn every little thing bio mom does or doesn’t do into her being a bad/neglectful/abusive mom. Having multiple children is not neglect/abuse. Letting your child wear whatever they want to wear is not neglect/abuse. Not buying your child a toy/item is not neglect/abuse. Letting your child drink soda is not neglect/abuse.
Recently, a stepmom posted about her stepdaughter’s outfits not matching. Let me clarify, the clothes ARE CLEAN, unwrinkled, and fit perfectly. This step mom was legitimately stating that bio mom was neglectful because her 7 year old stepdaughter’s clothes didn’t match, and she looked “ridiculous”.
I’m LITERALLY laughing out loud right now y’all. It’s something called “picking your battles”. This step mom would have a heart attack if she saw what my kids wore to school today. Actually, this stepmom would have a heart attack if she saw what I wear EVERY DAY.
Example of what Chandler wore to school today for reference:
I know this seems like a stepmom bash session, I promise it’s not. This is purely for helping future stepmoms from becoming the evil stepmother (and maybe current judge-y stepmoms can switch their attitude).
Bio moms, you’re not off the hook either! I’ll be talking about you later!
P.S- If you have an “evil stepmom” story or a “high conflict bio mom” story, please fill out my contact form (located on the contact page) with the details! I love using real life stories to help give perspective on parenting and co-parenting!